And The Story Goes ... Episode VIII

          A summation of thoughts over the last few days produces feelings of self preservation and self annihilation for Karen. Prayers, sighs and cries led her to calling off work a few days ago. Now out of breath from Plyometrics, a workout regimen from the p90x® series, Karen drags herself to the linen closet to get ready for her shower. Beads of sweat peruse her cocoa butter body; sliding past her back to her firmly shaped hamstrings and then to her calves; sculpted like a runner, they tend to make themselves known whether she’s still or ambulatory.  With her head leaned against her right arm, that’s propped against the linen closet door, Karen grins thinking about Cyan.

          Cyan, a beautiful soul, almost angelic, given the way she assisted Karen with her depression the other day; Karen was wallowing in a pool of self hate and conflict trying to come to terms with her yearning for women. She had reached out to an ex-gay counselor after sleeping with her boyfriend only to hear she was wrong for taking that route. Deciding to get away from the walls that seemed to be closing in, Karen goes to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. While walking along the wall, she considers the many sacrifices each person named must have given and begins berating herself for having feelings of despair over being gay. What do I have to be sad about? I’m not in the trenches waiting to be fired upon or bombed. Why can’t I get passed this? Why am I making this thing with women such a big deal? As Karen contemplates an answer to her own question, Cyan walks up and asks, “Is someone you know listed on the wall?”

          “No, not at all, do you know someone here?” Karen asks snapped from her trance and now focused on the stranger’s possible loss.

          “I don’t believe I do, but some of my family members served in Vietnam. My granddad got a purple heart,” Cyan proudly declares.

          “I’m sorry your grandfather was hurt,” Karen atones eyes welling.

          “Thanks, but he’s okay and there were so many that didn’t make it back; I mean look at this wall, so many lost. Hey listen, I know you said you’re not here for that, but you look so … what I mean is, are you okay honey? What’s your name dear? I’m Cyan.”

          “You’re so sweet to ask, but I don’t have an answer. Well accept for my name that is, I do have that for you; my name is Karen. As for everything else, I don’t know what I am right now. I’m a whole lot of something. Well actually, I’m a whole lot of nothing.”

          “No doll, that just can’t be; I don’t even know you but I know that. We’re all God’s children and He doesn’t make any mistakes. Are you telling me you’re the one exception?” Cyan buzzes, consoling Karen handing her tissue before grasping her hand.

          “Thanks for the tissue. I know God is infallible but you don’t understand. I’m all messed up. It’s not His fault, it’s mine. I’m the one who’s made a mess of my life. Let me ask you something Cyan, have you ever heard of the point of no return? That’s where I am, the point of no return.”

          “Is that so? Please tell me where that is; I’ve been dying to know. Is it somewhere near ‘I’ve arrived’? You know where I’m talking about right? That place everyone tries to get to,” Cyan enunciates. Karen begins guffawing; holding her stomach and bending over to catch her breath. Now drawing the attention of others visiting the wall, they decide to walk. Cyan grasps Karen’s hand and starts swinging their arms forward like school girls. Looking over to Karen she admits, “Now that’s what I like to see; a pretty girl with a pretty face—no tears allowed. Are you ready to tell me why you were the one mistake in all of God’s creation?”

          “It probably seems like I’m having a pity party, but I’m not; well maybe I am—shoot I don’t know. I’m not sure I have the words to help you understand,” Karen emits and releases the catalyst to her dolor; her desire for women even though she’s in a relationship with Brad, the abomination for being gay sermon preached from the pulpit of her cousin Sophia and the perturbation parade marching through her head. Karen finds it amazing how willingly she divulges her private hell. I guess it’s true what they say—sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger. Listening in earnest, Cyan proclaims, “don’t allow yourself to be prisoner based on the beliefs of others. It sounds to me like you were fine with being gay until your cousin took you to a revival of some sorts, and they told you how ashamed you were supposed to be about being you.”

          “Thank you for trying to be supportive but it’s not that simple Cyan,” Karen resolves.

          “The heck it ain’t. Let me tell you what I know sugar. I know God loves me, you and every other living thing out here. It wasn’t that long ago that I thought, no correction, I knew I had to be a mistake. Can you imagine being born with male genitalia but knowing you’re a female? I bet you can’t and don’t want to,” Cyan concludes and timelines her discovery; chronicling the many battles with her parents, associates, so-called friends and most viciously, the fight within herself. She expounds, at length on the day she came to terms. Ready to terminate her life, she pleaded with God to help her be a man; to make her a son her parents could be proud of; a brother her siblings didn’t have to defend to others and on that day, after petitioning and beseeching, Cyan received her answer. Trying to tell what happened next, she clutches Karen’s hand tightly and whispers, “do you know that the phone rang? It scared me right out of my despair; there I was begging God and asking for His help and the phone rings. I picked up and said hello as if God was calling me direct from heaven, of course it wasn’t, but you’d never guess who was on the line.”

          “Who; one of His disciples?” Karen interrogates without equivocation and quite seriously.

          “In a matter of speaking, yes it was a disciple; his name was Joshua—go figure. I’ll never forget what he said after I said hello. He replied, yes um hi this is Joshua from Love You, I’m trying to reach Darryl. Cyan goes on to explain that Darryl was her birth name and Love You is a group who touted as its mission ‘To help you love you no matter who you are.’ She had been told about the group, but never called. The fact that she was receiving an unsolicited call during her request for God to miraculously heal her perceived affliction; it was the answer she needed. Moving forward, she faithfully attended meetings, eventually accepting who that she was not cursed or a mistake. She changed her name to Cyan because it means blue in Greek and blue is representative of peace; the peace she tries to maintain. Speaking with glee, she shares how she finally found love. “Once I loved me, I became open to others loving me. Actually, I have too much love going on right now.”

          “Is there such a thing?” Karen asserts unclear of what Cyan means by saying too much love.

          “It is when you have a girlfriend and a lover.”

          “You have woman? I don’t get it; if you like women then why didn’t you just stay a guy”

          “I could ask you the same thing; you have a boyfriend, why not just be heterosexual?” Cyan retorts one eyebrow up, waiting for Karen’s epiphany.

          “I see your point, I’m sorry that was tacky,” Karen acknowledges.

          “All is forgiven sweetie, but the truth is I do have a situation. My girlfriend and I were having issues and we took a break.” Cyan clarifies holding up the quotation marks. “That’s when I met Kennedy. She walked in the café and I could not stop looking over at her. I stopped focusing on my coffee, my book and the phone call I was on. She sat near my table and we ended up talking. Next thing I knew, I was trying to stop myself from giving her every way imaginable to meet me. My cell, home, address, email, you feel me? Kennedy and I went out a few times, but of course Samantha and I got back together.”

          “Oh I see; Kennedy is the lover and Samantha is your girlfriend?”

          “Affirmative.”

          “Well, I can see why you are in high demand Cyan. You are some kind of special.”

Karen chuckles softly standing there at the linen closet remembering just how much she laughed that day with Cyan; Cyan made it all seem so easy. I wish it were that easy. I haven’t received my revelation just yet. Cyan wasn’t in a relationship lying when she faced her demons. I’ve got a man who I want to want but don’t. He loves me, he wants me and I still can’t get it together. I’m sitting here wanting something I could never get from him and there’s nothing he can do to change that. I must be the most self consumed bitch on the planet. Me, me, me that’s all I seem to think about these days. Let me hurry up and take a shower so I can go check on Jennifer. She’s laid up in the bed trying to heal and all I can think about is my shortcomings. Snap out of it Karen; can’t you be there for someone else right now? Get over yourself already; gosh.

*******

          Having dismissed her class early, Shaun gets ready to stop by Toni’s play rehearsal. Toni has been working so hard running lines trying to get her part just right. I’m so proud of her. She’s gonna be shocked to see me there. I should stop by RaeKi’s and pick up her favorite dish. Who in the world is calling? Everyone knows I still have my students now. Looking down at her phone, Shaun sees Andi’s name highlighted. I might as well talk to her now, since I’ll probably  be hanging with Toni later.

          “Hey babe, how’s it going?”

          “I’m not sure, why haven’t you called me back? I know you know that I’ve been calling you,” Andi insists.

          “I’ve had students all day; you know that Andi. The only reason I could pick up now is because I let them go early. Relax babe; tell me about your day.”

          “You mean to tell me you couldn’t call me at least once today? How likely is that? And why did you let the kids go early today, did you give them a test?” Andi gripes. “You know what; you should come pick me up. Let’s go get grab something to eat.”

          “How about I take you to breakfast in the morning?” Shaun offers.

          “What about tonight? I don’t wanna go to breakfast.”

          “Tonight’s not good, tomorrow would be better. I’ll have more time then.” Shaun announces.

          “Why can’t we go out tonight?”

          “I already told you babe, c’mon let me pick you up in the morning and we’ll chill together.”

          “No, I can’t.” Andi argues.

          “No problem, I understand. I need to call you back—one of my students just came in.”

          “Yea I’ll bet; I’ll talk to you later; bye.”

          “Bye babe,” Shaun utters and hits the ear piece to disconnect. Happy to be off the call, she considers the best way to end any relationship type dealings with Andi. I need to end whatever this is with her, sooner rather than later.

          Miles away as the call between Shaun and Andi ends, Andi pouts over being turned down for dinner. What is she up to? She let her students go early but she can’t spend time with me. She could’ve found some time during the day to return my call. She’s so full of crap. She never has time for me. That’s cool though, it’s not like she’s the only person I can hang out with. I wonder if Michelle is gonna be with Mike tonight?  

*******

Stay tuned and find out what happens next, Monday June 7^th 2010. Have a great Memorial Day and remember our fallen heroes!

And The Story Goes ... Episode VII

          Waiting in the car outside of the gym, Jennifer reflects on the reason she sits here; a conversation while attending Berkeley’s Homecoming. Bored and hoping David would want to retreat early from the alumni stories, she wanders over to the Bear’s Lair. There, while reviewing the appetizers, Lisa interrupted, “Is that a Tri-delt ring?”

          “Yes it is. How’d you know? Are you a Tri-delt?” Jennifer pried.

          “Of course; that’s how I knew. Although I admit I’ve never seen that design. Where’d you pledge?”

          “Stanford, Omega chapter; David had this ring designed for me while we were dating. Where’d you suffer your rush humiliation?” Jennifer gibed.

          “UC Berkeley; it was a foregone conclusion that I’d pledge Tri-Delta Sorority before my senior year in high school. My mother and grandmother are both Tri-delts. Any other sorority choice would’ve been considered subversive. I’ve been the subject of enough gossip with the family – no need to add to that,” Lisa assured.

          “Uh Duh,” Jennifer cynically recanted. “That was a stupid question; obviously Berkeley is where you’ve pledged. After all, we are here at their Homecoming weekend.”

          “By the way, my name is Mona Lisa, but please call me Lisa. I’ve tried to forget that my mother felt it necessary to bestow her obsession with Leonardo DaVinci on me. That’s how I got my name,” Lisa confessed and began feeling a slight buzz from the beer.

          “I like that name; Davinci was so much more than his art represents. Have you ever seen any of his work?” Jennifer urged reflecting on her love of the Renaissance period.

          “Originals? No, but that’s probably because my parents didn’t send me on international trips during the summer like you and your classmates probably went on. I worked my way through school,” Lisa justified losing decorum each time she spoke.

          “A wee bit harsh don’t you think? I haven’t seen any of his original work either and believe it or not, I worked my way through school too; that’s how I met David. Not all Stanford students have silver spoons; we’re just brilliant is all!” Jennifer exclaimed.

          “You wouldn't want to say that too loud here in the lair. Hey wait are you talking about blond David from the tennis team? Was that you I saw with him and Brad at the Alumni Dinner yesterday evening? I can’t remember if y’all were at the table to my right or left. I knew you looked familiar when you came in here earlier,” Lisa slurred slightly.

          “Yes that was me last night. You know David?” Jennifer asked hoping Lisa was not a former girlfriend.

          “Yea I know David and Brad, I used to date their team mate Jonas and always went to them for advice. After we broke up, I was still good friends with them. We’ve lost touch since graduation but it’s been good seeing them again. How do you know them?”

          “Well David is my husband; we dated during undergrad and since he and Brad are best friends, that’s how I met Brad,” Jennifer casually explained reaching to sip more beer.

          “David is your husband?” Lisa queried mockingly almost dropping her glass.

          This woman must be drunk. Why is she acting like David and I being married is preposterous? Indeed he’s handsome, but I’ve never been hard on the eyes I’ll have you know. Look at those young guys over there that have been eyeing me since I got here. I’m even more in shape than the day he and I got married. I’m a seven on my worse day if I do say so myself. What’s with these insinuations she’s been making since first mentioning David? Clearly subtlety is not her strength. She’s been somewhat brusque as if she’s unclear on how to behave. Yet it’s apparent she doesn’t want me to sit elsewhere. I guess with all the tree hugging she’s forgotten how to treat actual people. How does one get that way? Who knows, I’m only here for the weekend thank God. “Yes, he’s my husband; surprised?”

          “That depends on whether you play for the other side or not?” Lisa declared well past being buzzed. Reserve has been tossed to the wind.

          “Excuse me!” Jennifer offered squinting her eyes.

          “You seem confused so let me be clear and not let political correctness stand in the way. Are you a carpet muncher or a dyke?”

          “How rude; absolutely not; what is the meaning of your questions Lisa?”

          “You asked me was I surprised about you being married to David and I wouldn’t have been if you were gay because I’d have assumed it to be a marriage of convenience so to speak. However, since you seem to be appalled at my questions about your sexual preference, I assume you’re a card carrying member of the heterosexual club and traditional marriage; which, I might add, has me speculating about that brilliance you were hailing a few moments ago. Am I to understand you’re totally in the dark about where I’m going?”

          “Not at all; I have a pretty good idea of where you’re heading and I’m disgusted. I understand you being drunk but aren’t you supposed to be his friend? Yea, you are and yet you’re trying to suggest something cruel and sadistic.” 

          Motioning the bartender over, Lisa gets off her stool and stands next to it and ordered, “Would you get my friend here a Pedro’s Porter?” Then turning to Jennifer she contended, “As a fellow sister of Tri Delta I’m going to ignore your condescension and give you a little advice. I can’t speak for anything that’s changed since our glory days here but I’m curious about how much you know about your husband. I haven’t seen him in years; nonetheless it seems I’m privy to some things to which you are unaware. Unlike you, David is NOT a card carrying member of the same club you are. I have never and I mean never seen him without Brad being far behind. When I saw you all last night, I assumed you were with them. I hope you haven’t convinced yourself that Brad is the third wheel. You may want to look within if the thought of outsider has ever crossed your mind when the three of you are together. I’d find all of this comical if it weren’t so sad. Oh by the way, if by some clever arrangement Brad has a woman too, don’t be naïve. They were always more than best friends and practice partners. Even the other team members knew it. Everyone ignored it because it was clear they didn’t want people to know. They’re one of the reasons I gained understanding about people who love the same sex. I had no idea it was the same as everyone else or what we like to call straight people; although one wonders about those theories. Before them, I had so many assumptions and judgments about what it meant to be homosexual. Their intensity made me want that type of devotion for myself. Now perhaps most of us here on campus were mistaken when we thought that they were more than just team mates, but I don’t believe that. As for what or who they are now, who knows? I just hope you know what you’re doing—Stanford.”

          Too paralyzed to rebut, Jennifer watched Lisa settle up her tab and exit the pub. Confusion, anger and hurt simultaneously flooded her mind and it was those same emotions from that day that now deluge her mind while she sits lying in wait for David to come out of the building. Was Lisa just a drunk girl? Why would she say such things? David and Brad? Not possible, I’ve seen them together. What about Karen? She and Brad look like the perfect couple. Surely they wouldn’t do this to us. Should I wait and see before telling David my news? Maybe I should. Why am I questioning David’s intentions? He doesn’t deserve that. He’s not done anything. This is all based off the ranting of a drunk. I shouldn’t be here; I haven’t a reason to not trust my husband. We’ve not had any real bumps in our marriage. I’m letting my imagination run away and I’m not being logical.

          Realizing her reason for waiting in the parking lot was not based on David’s behavior but more of the tale told by Lisa, Jennifer decides to leave and never mention the accusations made during the Homecoming weekend. Turning the key to start the silver Land Rover, Jennifer pats herself on the back for not letting insecurity get the best of her. Driving by the glass doors where gym attendees enter and exit she catches a glimmer of what looks like David embracing someone but the doors obstruct her view. Trying to be inconspicuous she slows the car down and makes a quick left into the first parking row to avoid getting to the stop sign and having to leave before confirming if it was him at the door. Half way up the first row, Jennifer looks back at the door and sees Brad exit the gym and David right behind him. Dejected and disillusioned her mind crashes and her eyes fill preventing her from seeing the female pedestrian walking with her gym bag directly in front of the truck. Coming out of the fog just in time, Jennifer quickly swerves and avoids hitting her by more than a foot. Wanting to see where David and Brad were now and wondering if they came together or in their own vehicles, she surveys the lot unaware of the concrete barriers that lie less than 50 feet ahead. 

*******

Stay tuned and find out what happens next, Monday (5/24/2010)

And The Story Goes ... Episode VI

          “I’m sorry honey, did I frighten you?” Mike presents noting the deer in headlights gaze from Michelle.

          “You scared me Mike. Let me take a second to put my heart back in my chest.”

          “You headed out?”

          “I was gonna chill with Andi because I was missing you so much and didn’t wanna be by myself. I’m so glad you’re here daddy,” Michelle endearingly exposes.

          “That’s my baby girl. Let me hit the shower real quick.”

          “No need to hit it by yourself, I’m coming with you,” Michelle offers jogging behind Mike pushing both hands in his back propelling him towards the bathroom. I’ll have to call Andi tomorrow. I’m sure she’s gonna have a drama fit over me not showing up.

*******

         “This is really getting tired; there’s never enough time. We’re not teenagers, we’re both professionals doing this cloak and dagger routine. Are you okay with this?”

          “I cherish any time we have with each other,” David assures firmly grasping both of Brad’s arms.

          “Don’t do that! You know what I mean,” Brad continues through clinched teeth.

          “I’m not sure I do. I’m here, you’re here; we’re devoting time to each other; let’s enjoy it. Why revel in what we don’t have?” David queries while planting little kisses all over Brad’s face. Why does he have to get so serious? Can’t he just enjoy the time we have with each other?  I’ve got enough pressure with work and home, this is my respite. Can I please do something I like?
          Gosh! It’s so good to be in his arms, this is home. I need this. No! Uh un! I can’t get caught up into this. We need to talk now. Brad steps back eliminating the opportunity for smooching to continue. “That’s just it, a moment here or a piece there is all we get. We’re sneaking around and we never have any quality time anymore.  You have Jennifer; and I have Karen, which has made matters worse. Things are so outta hand; how could we let it get this far?”

          “Talk, talk, talk—that’s all you wanna do these days. Fine, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about the case of amnesia ailing you. Yeah let’s talk about whose idea it was to have our lives like this. Shall I recap for you? Hmm—I guess I should since you’ve conveniently forgotten some crucial decisions in our relationship. Yeah, let’s take a trip down memory lane; shall we?” David asks rhetorically.

          “There’s no need to get sarcastic. I’m not trying to just talk. I like our time together too. I’m just missing you is all. Don’t get mad; I’m not complaining,” Brad renders hoping he hasn’t been overbearing with emotion.

           “Don’t try to go back now; we’re here. So let’s talk about it. It was me, not you that wanted us to be more. Maybe not in public but certainly not skulking in the shadows; do you remember that? How about this one? It was me, not you who said we shouldn’t get involved with women. I believe I said it would make things far more complicated and could have life changing ramifications. Remember that? Maybe it’s not coming to you yet--was it not you that threatened to leave me because—me not having a woman was starting to make people ask questions. You had your pseudo-girl friend and was irritated I didn’t follow suit. Do you have any idea what that did to me? You surely didn’t at the time; but what did I do? I sucked it up and adjusted so that we could be together. Now you’re complaining about time, how fair is that? This crap we have now was manufactured by you, and I did it because I love you. There’s no reneging now. You’re so selfish!” David scolds.

          “I’m selfish because I wanna spend time together? Oh that’s rich; and it’s all my fault we’re in this predicament? I didn’t tell you to marry the woman did I? Don’t put that on me Brad.”

          “You’re missing the point – it’s like I told you all along; things get complicated the more other people are added to the equation. How long did you think I could date Jen and nothing serious happen? Regardless of her being a woman, a relationship grows, it doesn’t stand still. Did you think I wouldn’t love her? I warned you about what could happen yet you still felt it necessary for us to take this road. What do you plan to do with Karen? Surely you don’t expect to just date her and never go any further. You just gonna date women and break up when they want more? Not likely; won’t that be suspicious? Isn’t that what you were so worried about before? We can’t have folks questioning your sexuality now can we?” David puts forth sarcastically.

          Taking a deep breath before exhaling aloud, Brad concedes, “I have no idea what I was thinking back then. Somehow I must’ve made sense of it at the time. What does that have to do with now? I’m telling you how I feel now and what I want for us. Would you rather I not say anything? You want me to live my life for these other people?”

          “Don’t play altruist. What is it that you’re doing for these other people? By other people I assume you mean me and Karen. Gosh you’re incredulous!” David rants. “What about what’s been done for you? The sacrifices I’ve made that now seem to be meaningless even though you posed them to me drenched in ultimatum. Now that I’ve done what you coerced, you want something else. You want us to carry on like people who don’t have other love interests. How much collateral damage is enough?”

           “I don’t know how all of this became my fault. I thought we were a couple in love; how silly of me. What about you David? You’ve had demands along the way too. Don’t get all altar boy on me. We’ve both made choices to be together. Neither one of us wanted to be out; I’m just the one that was bold enough to admit it. Next time I won’t bother to tell you how I feel if it’s gonna be like this.”

          Not tell me? That’s unlikely; you’re always telling people what you think whether they wanna know or not. Bold? Yeah right, so bold that you couldn’t handle us in love and decided we needed to fake affairs with other people. Yeah you’re a b word alright but bold ain’t it. “You’re a lot of things, but quiet isn’t one of them,” David fires.

          He’d better remember that when he doesn’t hear from me later. “Good one,” Brad affirms while making sure his gym bag has all of its contents. “Look, I don’t wanna argue. We can talk about this later. I need to get to work.”

          “Me too; I was supposed to review an RFP last night but put it down. I was so distracted,” David admits.

          “You couldn’t focus? Brad sympathizes.

          “No babe; you were on my mind,” David confesses brushing Brads face tenderly. “I was thinking about us and the quandary we’ve made for ourselves. It seems to get deeper as time goes on. I don’t want us to screw up our lives and everyone who loves us too. We need to come to some resolve and we need to do it sooner rather than later.”

          “You’re right; we do, but we need to head to work first right babe?” Brad directs putting his gym bag on his shoulder and motioning David to his.

          “Right,” David acknowledges as they exit the 24 Hour Fitness Locker Room unaware that Jennifer, his wife, is waiting in the parking lot. 

*******

          Having finished their Perdomos and the strawberries, Shaun continues running lines with Toni while eyeing the chocolates that Toni sat out earlier.

          “I thought you didn’t like chocolate.”

          “I usually don’t, but that looks like the white chocolate candies that Lindt makes,” Shaun suggests.

          “They are; go ahead and get some. Bring me some too,” Toni instructs watching as Shaun stands up. Her silhouette rhythmic, eliciting Toni’s attention. Thank goodness you can’t hear my thoughts. You make me wanna forget we’re just friends. Damn you fine. How about we talk about more than friendship?

“Is this enough or you want more?” Shaun asks showing Toni a handful of candy.

          I want more, so much more. You have no idea how much I want, Toni appraises then responds, “Oh yeah, I don’t need even that much.”

          Changing the subject Shaun calls upon Toni, “Do you mind if I crash here? I don’t really feel like driving now.”

         “Of course not; unless you’re housing an extra four hundred pounds under those clothes, I think my bed should be big enough or I can get you some covers for the couch.”

          “Shoot, I don’t want the couch.”

          “I figured not,” Toni retorts and they join in a chorus of laughter.

*******

Stay tuned and find out what happens next, Monday (5/17/2010)

   Why is Jennifer parked outside the gym, does she suspect something?

      Is Michelle gonna sleep with Mike even though she made plans to sleep with Andi?
          Does Toni really want to be more than friends with Shaun?

  Is Karen still searching for answers about her desire for women?

And The Story Goes ... Episode V

Chasing after Carmela while calling out her name, Jane is thankful she’s in shape but hoping she can stop running before her lungs demand she stop. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have brought Carmela to that meeting, that wasn’t cool. I don’t even need to be at that meeting. She’s right; they don’t know me. She’s the one that’s been there for me and our family. That was real dumb on my part.

Letting down the driver side window Carmela asks, “Exactly why are you running Jane? I’m not gonna leave without you, I just had to get outta there.” Scrambling to get to the passenger side, Jane gets in and embraces Carmela.

“I’m so sorry for bringing you here. We don’t belong here. I know what I want and I know what’s right for me. Can you ever forgive me?” Jane solicits.

“Of course I can forgive my lovely. I’m just relieved you realize that group is not for you. We’ve been through too much of people trying to tell us how we need to live and who we need to be; to chill with a group of people that think like that is not us.”

 “I know, I know; it’s just that …” Jane trails off not finishing her thought before reaching to wipe her eyes.

“No need to cry babe, we’re gonna be just fine. Nobody’s perfect and I’m not sure I would want to be with such a person anyway,” Carmela chides in while massaging her back, hoping to abbreviate any negative feelings.

Grinning and clearing any residual tears, Jane teases, “Don’t touch me like that less you trying to make something happen.”

“Well I guess I better keep going then.”

“Please do,” Jane insists then slides her skirt up making it clear Carmela can extend her massage to between her thighs. Reclining the seat she affirms, “I love you.”

Leaning over, Carmela surveys Jane’s chocolate curves and partakes of her lips. Kissing soft and slow savoring the moment, she says, “I love you too. Let’s go home baby.”

  “Okay … let’s.”

*******

“It’s nice to finally get together. You are definitely one busy lady Ms. Kennedy,” Sophia announces sounding relieved.

“Yes mam it’s good to have a chance to meet up. I wish I hadn’t had to reschedule before; and thankfully, you’ve been so accommodating given the lateness of the hour,” Kennedy graciously replies.

“Do you believe in God?” Sophia interrogates with earnest.

“Absolutely, why do you ask?”

“Do you know that He loves you?”

“Thankfully I do, I’m curious as to what’s prompting your questions.”

“But Kennedy, do you really know? So many people say they believe in God and that they’re aware of his love but may not truly know his grace and mercy.”

“I guess I should count myself lucky then. I’m fully aware of the vastness of the Universe and am thankful for the love bestowed upon us,” Kennedy declares.

“I noticed you said The Universe and not God. Why is that?”

“I find them to be synonymous don’t you? I believe many names are used to refer to God. Some say The Universe, others say Higher Power; Jehovah and Yahweh are also names used. I can’t help but to notice that you haven’t answered my questions. Is this the reason you wanted to meet; to have a religious discussion?

“Not at all; I apologize, I didn’t mean to not answer your questions,” Sophia gently retorts.

“So what brings you to me Sophia? I’m glad you’ve set aside some of your time just for me and I for you. As you know, I don’t have to be at work until early afternoon so we have all night to discuss the items you feel are pertinent. Perhaps I’m mistaken but it seems that part of the reason you wanted to meet is spiritually based. Is that what this is about?”

“Yes actually it is,” Sophia admits feeling a bit extinguished yet intrigued.

“That’s good to hear. I look forward to sharing as I’m sure we both will learn a lot from each other tonight. I’m gonna get me some water, would you like some?” Kennedy asserts.

Relieved to have a moment to recompose, Sophia is curious about Kennedy’s comfort level; why is she so happy about our meeting? This is a different. Meanwhile Kennedy gets two bottles of Fiji water and quickly texts Cyan to inform her that they will have to get together another time. 

*******

“It’s people like you that give bisexuals a bad name,” Karen chastises, while trying to get ready for work.

“Don’t try and judge me, I know where you came from. Don’t try to get all high and mighty now that some fool laying pipe to you every night. I thought you were supposed to be my girl,” Andi vindicates.

“We are friends, but that’s really not the point here. You just finished telling me how you went out on a date with Shaun but that didn’t go well so she went home. After only being home a minute, you called Kennedy; your ex who you knew was gonna want some, and asked her to come over.  She reschedules with you, because after all she does have a woman to which she has feelings for, so you decide to hook up with Michelle. Last I heard, from you of course, Michelle has a man with whom she lives with. Then when you could no longer get in touch with her, you called Bishop. Yea he came over and kicked it with you, but then he left shortly thereafter with what you’re calling a lame excuse. I would imagine he had to get back to his woman after a making up an excuse to get to you with your damsel in distress routine. Do you not understand the problem here? Surely you can see why you spent last night by yourself,” Karen rationalizes.

“Check you out being all self-righteous and holy,” Andi contends.

“That’s not me; which you already know Andi. C’mon girl, you know I love you and I always will, but do you hear yourself? Do you really? I don’t know what happened with you and Shaun at dinner; but instead of talking it out with her or working it out, you ran from this person to that person and that is what people think bisexuals do. They think they’re greedy and if one isn’t available, they’ll be with the other and that’s just not how it is,” advises Karen.

“Um okay; where are you going with all of this? It doesn’t even sound like we’re talking ‘bout me. You’re going on and on about bisexuals like you’re on some crusade. I mean what’s really going on with you? This speech isn’t about me, there’s something else going on. What’s up with you Karen?”

“You’re probably right girl; I’ve only had a wink of sleep, I’m trying to get ready for work and my mind is all over the place. I’m sorry if it sounds like I was being judgmental; I’m not really focused. Can I call you a little later?” Karen requests.

“Yea girl, I need to get ready too. I’ll talk to you then,” Andi responds pressing the off button on her ear piece. Perplexed over Karen’s statements, Andi replays their conversation. Why is she acting so funny? Sometimes it’s like nobody’s there for me. I’m there for my friends but when I need them, they’re too busy. If I’d known it was gonna be all about her, I’d have called somebody else. I wonder what Shaun is doing; she hasn’t even called me since dropping me off last night. Why should I feel bad about calling someone over when she pulled off like I was nothing? Kennedy and Michelle are my friends. What’s the big deal about having them over? Karen is acting all self-righteous now that she’s finally got a man. How dare she bring up Bishop?  He and I are just friends. Our having sex last night was an accident. He was just trying to be there for me and now she’s throwing it in my face. At least he tried to be there for me; unlike her. She was in Brad’s face. It’s true what they say, the only person you can trust to be there for you is you.

Apparently unaware Andi had ended their call, Karen still tries to get dressed for work.  Clothes upon clothes fill the closet; seeming like Pandora’s Box; offering nothing, Karen snippily itemizes recent events after first looking at her phone and realizing she’s no longer participating in a phone conversation. Maybe I should call out today, I feel sick anyway. Sometimes the pain of not having a woman is unbearable. I thought it was supposed to be different now. I pray, I attend church and I love Brad but I still feel so unfulfilled. How selfish of me to have these urges when he has given me his heart. I wonder why he left so early this morning. Hmm, surely there’s something I can do to lessen this pain. I wanna be a good person and feel good at least most of the time. Is that so wrong?

I’m tired of the responses Sophia gives me. They make me feel so low for what I truly feel. First her group told me how unnatural same sex love is and how I need to repent. Now that I have a boyfriend, who treats me well, and I still feel uneasy whenever we connect physically, she tells me it’s because I’m fornicating. I can’t win no matter what I do. I feel bad for wanting to be with a woman. I feel even worse now that I have Brad and I can’t give myself to him without feeling anxious. What karma is this? I need to do something; this is agony. It’s got to be approaching eight, let me call the office and tell them I’m gonna work from home today.

*******

Stay tuned and find out what happens next, Monday (5/10/2010)